For Your Review: Inappropriate PASS Sessions

on August 30, 2010

So I was chatting with @SQLChicken the other night, and I made this comment…

i was thinking it might be fun to have a 5 minute “Inappropriate #SQLPASS Sessions” contest one night during the summit…

Next thing I knew, @sqlsoldier threw a hash tag on it, and off it went.

It turns out people are thinking a lot of inappropriate thoughts about SQL Server. After pulling the first 24 hours worth of #InappropriatePASSSessions tweets into a table, cleaning out retweets, replies, and other fodder, we have a solid 535 initial suggestions for perfectly inappropriate (and sometimes far worse), sessions for the SQL PASS Summit 2010.

So Guess What? I Wasn’t Really Kidding About the Contest

Will there be slide decks? Will YOU be asked to be on the Inappropriate Program Committee?

It just might happen. Maybe. We’ll see. Sign yourself up for the Summit and let me know in the comments if you’re up for it. If it does happen, there will be fabulous, inappropriate prizes!

For now, the Proposed Inappropriateness Follows, Grouped by Tweep

Vote for your favorites in the comments.

Fine print: The #InappropriateSQLPass hash tag was removed for readability. @SQLChicken also archived these on twapperkeeper. Credits to @peschkaj and Brad Schulz’s blog posts on string concatenation (linked on names) for helping me remember how to query this stuff out into nice HTML. Those are worth reading, y’all.

@AdamMachanic

Buck Woody and Porn: Right Name, Wrong Guy
The role of dynamic SQL that calls dynamic SQL that calls dynamic SQL in developer job security

@afernandez

Accepting Shrinking as a fact of DBA life
Back Up That Tail (of the Log)
Birds of a Feather: Enjoying life and running a DR exercise at the same time
Checklist My Ass
Closer to NoSQL: Avoid Referential Integrity
Cost-Saving Strategies using RAID 5
DBA Clint Eastwood: Trigger Happy
DBA Foster Care: Orphan DTC Transactions
DBA Payback using Policy Based Management against Development Servers
DBA Peers Pranks Using HOSTS Files
DBA Ransom Notes: Locking Down your SQL Server
Demystifying @PaulRandal: Writing your own DBCC CHECKDB
Emulating Normalization by Implementing Views and LEFT JOINs
Enabling DB Backup Compression by Scripting Objects + Data: WinZip is your Friend
Forcing in-memory tables using non-covered queries
Forget XML, Let’s talk about Cocktails (by @AdamMachanic)
Fun with Data: Trying App User Passwords in Gmail
Getting SQL to Work for You: Overriding PCI compliance
Guaranteeing Query Execution using the DAC
Homemade Resource Governor using SQLCLR on 32 bit instances
How to Ditch your Employer after getting them to pay for your MCM
How to Rig Vendor Swag Giveaways at SQL Saturdays
I’m Just a DBA: That Was Not Insider Trading
Implement your own @BrentO-Fail-Whale for your SQL Server!
Improve Performance by rewriting Cursors in Powershell
Improving Query Performance by using DBCC PAGE
Increase Your Productivity by Integrating SSMS and Tweetdeck
Jedi Mind Tricks: Getting your CIO to be your sugardaddy
Making the jump: Going from SSMS to PHPMyAdmin
Moving Your Transaction Logs to Google Wave
Normalize My Ass
Notorious D-B-A: Making your alerts public with Tweet-SQL
Productivity Best Practices: Stay off Twitter
Pushing SQL to the max with star joins
Skip the Line: How to avoid Tier 1 Engineers when calling MS Support
Social: Share your Salary with the rest of Us
Vendor Sponsored Inebriation 101
Your worst enemy: The Passive-Aggressive DBA

@AndyLeonard

Block Escalation – Making the Other Guy Wait
DROP DATABASE — UNDO and Other Undocumented T-SQL Commands
Mapping Enterprise Connectivity By Unplugging Cables and Equipment
Removing Foreign Keys and Other Obstacles to Loading Data

@anonythemouse

“Swivel on it” – pivot your devs
10,000 columns? No problem
Accessing Azure through your AOL dial-up account
App design – inline SQL FTW
autoshrink & autoclose – keep those databases under control
Business Intelligence – genetic or lifestyle choice?
check out my sporran
DENIED! – Handling change control requests
DR is for dummies
I can’t merge result sets, that’s a Union job
Is that a heap in your database or are you just pleased to see me?
Job security through non-documentation
Management 101 – make your team develop to arbitrary times & don’t worry about the code quality
Managing SQL Server from your ipad
nHibernate…it’s for YOU
Saving your disk – running SQL on compressed drives
SEO in your databases
Sharepoint for the DBA ….oh wait that ones real
SQL Server 6.5 – a primer
The IT Crowd as a motivational meeting tool (yes, I have done this)
Turning off notifications so you don’t hear about problems
Use smaller fonts to make your computer faster
Using CTRL-Z to rollback your truncate table statements
Who needs scalability?
Why being a DBA can seriously suck hairies
Why Paul Randal doesn’t know DBCC
Why you dev team should have the production SA password
Why you should add NOLOCK to all of your queries
Why you should be using DB2
Why your company doesn’t need a DBA
WTF interviews
You can never have enough indexes

@arcanecode

Great futures in SQL Server Notification Services.
New trends in BI – Data mining your bosses “private” e-mail and expense account for fun and profit.

@ArnieRowland

Data Center Disaster Management in Open Carry Law States
Manage Data Contention Issues with WAITFOR and RAND()

@Aschenbrenner

Effective Locking & Blocking with Single User Mode
Use O/R mappers to speed up your mission critical 24×7 VLDBs
Use SQL Injection to administer your SQL Server
Use the XML data type to avoid multiple tables in your database
Using DBCC PAGE to query your data in text mode
Using StringBuilder for building your dynamic sql statements
Working with Service Broker with the integrated tool in SSMS

@awsaxton

Anonymous is the new Secure
Forget SQL – How to use SharePoint Lists as a data store for your enterprise
SSRS as the replacement for SSIS

@billinkc

A sneak peak at the upcoming SQL Server MMORPG: auto-shrink gets buffed, query optimizer gets nerfed
Countries without U.S. extradition treaties: make millions by aggregating fractional dollars
Designing for the long haul: vardecimal and your enterprise
Distributed backups of PII
Execution Plans: developers first, followed by management
Fast acting and untraceable poisons
Harvest crops faster in Farmville using production servers
Hidden SQL Server features: Enabling the ISAM storage engine
If at first you don’t succeed, you should have had a transaction
Licensing gems: Developer edition works the same as enterprise, just cheaper
Maximize your vendor kickbacks
Overcoming SQL Server’s recursion limits: a developers guide to fast queries
PASS Self-governance: A case study of an orderly approach for distilling BoD candidates (too soon?)
PUNT! 60 day server install. A professional’s guide to maximizing your inefficiencies
Routing failure notices to /dev/null for better sleep
Scripting failure, maximize your hourly wage by inducing weekend and holiday failures
Trololololo authentication
Using bit torrent with encrypted backups as a low cost, off-site disaster recovery model
Using ROT-13 encryption to meet HIPPA compliance
varbinary(max) everywhere, a flexible approach to storing everything in a single table

@BrentO

Backing Up With RAID 0
Branding Changes: SQL Azure now SQL Server Nano, Access now the Shuffle.
DAC Pack: Great Feature or Greatest Feature?
DBAs and the SAN Team: Singing Kumbaya in the Circle of Trust
Designing to Scale: GUID PKs, Binaries in the Database, and Other Best Practices. MS Session by Sharepoint Team
Forget Calendar Tables, Build a Dates Table by T. Woods
Getting the Right Candidates for Your Open Positions (What? Too soon?)
Getting Your Blog Up and Running Quickly by SQLTech2
MCM Braindump: Get Certified in One Hour!
Pin the Blame on the Last Guy: Effective Strategies for Professional Development
Wait Wait, Don’t Queue Me: Using Fiber Mode to Go Faster

@buckwoody

Always upgrade on Friday: A guide for rollouts
Code-signing using your co-worker’s login
Communicating with Developers: Monosyllabic techniques
Converting your Enterprise Databases to Microsoft Access by @BrentO
Daisy-chaining retired laptops for Enterprise Data
Guaranteed Promotions: Navigating your HR databases
How to Create Rolling Window Deletes to Save Space
Lunch foods that can help you clear the office for the afternoon
Performance Tuning (write bad code first, then fix for fun and profit)
SSMS Database Designer: Best Practices
Storing Warz using FILESTREAM
Testing is for people who don’t write good code
Using 128-bit random number generators to create database object names
Using the Windows Scheduler to send e-mails during work hours
Using USB drives for database files.
Which Server memory chips will fit in your workstation?
Wikileaks database design strategies

@ccammers

Simplifying Security: SA is the only user you need.

@cfrandall

“I will not eat that, ISAM I am:” From deBASED to MSSQL
Avoiding Shrinkage: How @PaulRandal packed for the Arctic:
Data Deliverance: “SQL like a pig!”
Exploring your BI side: An Introduction to SQL Server Anal Services
INIT to Win It: Maxmizing Backup Storage Space through Reuse
Is that a cluster in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?: High Availability w/SQL Server Compact Edition
Keeping an audience in suspense: WAITFOR demofest
NORMLization: High Availability, Man
Oh My God Becky, Look at Her Heap: Baby’s Got Backups
Riding at the back of the bus architecture: Why you need Integration Services

@CharlesGarver

ABC123: The Only SA Password You’ll Ever Need
Fake million-dollar accounts, past-due mayors, and other tricks you can play on your accounting department.
Harnessing the power of your servers for mind-blowing 3-D gaming.
How to double your team’s productivity
How to double your team’s productivity by eliminating testing and documentation phases.
I Am Curious Oracle
I Left My Data in San Francisco and Other DBA Getaways
Locking out users for fun and profit.
Not Just Male & Female Anymore: New Gender Datatype in SQL
RAID 0 and other money-saving data storage options.
Roundtable: 3 DBA’s discuss how MS Access made their jobs easier.
The server room, the network closet, and other great make-out spots.
The TRS-80, 8 inch floppies, and other ways to move your organization to nosql.
Warm Cookies, Milk & Nap-time: How to Get Your Developers to Calm Down
Why make backups when 99% of them will never be used?

@Control_Group

A Grow Lamp For Your Career: Is Your Interview Answer Key (presented by @MidnightDBA)
All Good Things To Those Who Wait: Leveraging Pagefile.sys To Increase Latency
Dirty Reads Done Dirt Cheap: Transactional Consistency, And How To Avoid It
Dodge That Deadlock: Avoiding Concurrency Issues Via Single User Mode
Empowering Your Users: How To Accept Unchecked T-SQL From the Cloud
Full Frontal Security: Designing a Write-Only Database
If the Optimizer Does It, So Can You: Replacing Nested Loops Iterators With WHILEs

@crswit

Backups, we don’t need no stinkin' backups also doubles as #SQLMovieQuotes

@datachick

1433: The new 80
Best Practices: Using SELECT asterisk vs SELECT star
Cartesian: Queries for the Web of Things
Data Governess, Data Governance: They Really are the Same. Just Ask Me
Eventual Consistency is Good Enough for Most Data, Except for These (3 week workshop)
GTD: Emailing Your Backups Home with Hotmail < Real DBA story.
Intro to SQL Server Home & Student Edition.
Just in Case: Best Practices in Database Tuning.
Kilt Upskirting Video
Limits of SQL Server: Why Explains, Constraints and Shrinks Don’t Work on People.
LOLzcatz Your Status Reports. No, wait, that’s full of WIN
Sharing the Love: Best Practices for Sharing & Displaying the SA Password
Spaces, Nulls, Empty Strings, Underscores: They’re All the Same Thing
Store Data in Your Code Instead of DB: A Dev Guide to Avoiding Data Governance. < drawn from real life
Surrogate Keys: Never Have to Worry About Duplicate Data
The Code Really is More Important than the Data
Treat your Data Architect like a Queen.
Ultimate Database Design: One Table per Window, by MS Arch Consultant < Again, real life

@DataChomp

SQL CLR: Kama Sutra for your database

@Dave_Levy

A greener data center. How to save power by not running CheckDB
Backups are only for screw-ups
DBAs gone wild
How to confuse coworkers: Doing something different every time you do it.
How to get rid of the bodies
How to use SA to avoid the headaches of managing passwords
SQL Injection, it sounds dirty because its fun
The name value table, the only table you will ever need
You can’t make money by quitting. 11 acts of utter incompetence that guarantee you get that severance check.

@dennylee

Building mission critical databases on a shared SANdbox
For you #SSAS folks: Buckaroo Banzai Across the Many-to-Many dimensions!
Key to great SQL performance: Index > Data Size
Power and Pivot, a new way to think about self service
SQLCAT: SQL (squeal) like a cat
X-events…it’s like X-games but geekier!

@DevSQL

Not just for #sqlkareoke anymore. How to use liquid courage to make prod deployments go smoothly.

@drsql

Row based solutions to set based problems.

@fastflame

5th normal form: solution for complex reporting
Enterprise Manageability: Replace SQL Server Agent with the Windows AT command.
How to make optimal use of the 2GB BLOB limit
If you have RAID, you don’t need to make backups
I’m a PC and SQL Server was my Idea
Installing SQL Server v4.21a on Windows Server 2008 R2
New server request denied – How to quickly implement WAITFOR in all Stored Procedures
Reduce Security Complexity in the Enterprise: Using sa login for applications and operations
Scaling SQL Server Express through Linked Servers
Super Performant 2 Column table design: PK plus XML
Transaction Log Management – Using the Windows DELETE command

@GavinPayneUK

Keep IO simple by only using 1 SATA drive
Reducing deployment issues by using sa for app logins

@GFritchey

Execution Plans? Waste of Time. How To Tune Queries by Divining Goat Entrails #andtypos
Guns, Swords, Knives & Clubs. Enforcing TSQL Quality the Quick & Easy Way.
If One Index is Good, Hundreds Are GREAT!
nHibernate Databases Really Are Better

@gonzodagr8

How to make a few extra bucks selling your client data

@greeleygeek

Any session by @SQLPASSPR

@greglow

how to bonzai your pet self contentment and how to overcome it

@hillbillyToad

Oracle: PR, it’s not so hard, why look at us!

@idbjorh

Clusterf*ck: Achieving Eventual Consistency with MSSQL.
Skysurfing my 1U server: Tips for getting MSSQL running in the cloud.
Two tables is one too many! Tips on making SQL Server work like Excel.

@jeffrush

BI Curious? Tap Dat SAS
How to Make Friends and Influence People with Fake Twitter Accounts!

@johndunagan

Alienating the Rest of Your Team for ‘Principle’
Fostering Community by Rejecting Its Champions
Playing the Field at Conferences

@johnsterrett

How to migrate from SQL Server to Access to Excell

@jonmcrawford

All Y’all suck! Write ANSI SQL or DIE! ~ Joe Celko
Data Storage in the Cloud is a Cluster
Green track: How to create geothermal energy using cursors
How to properly secure your systems – guest speaker Terry Childs
Kilt Day fashion show
Twitter-holics Anonymous: the 140 step program

@Jorriss

Why database shrinking is so double rainbow.

@Kendra_Little

Rewriting Applications With Notification Services

@markvsql

If You Need To Back Up Your Database, You’re Doing It Wrong!
READ UNCOMMITTED Isolation: The “Go Fast” Button For All Occasions!
Referential Integrity: Yet More Unnecessary Baggage In Your Database

@mdecuir

Deprecated features: Use them while you still can!
How to make your SQL Server use as many resources as possible, as slowly as possible while still functioning
Improve performance by faking your data
Plagarism for dummies: your guide to look like you are an expert
Save on licensing costs by lying to Microsoft
Statistics are for chumps: use query hints instead
Stored Procedures are outdated
Users make life your life harder: How to prevent them from using your database

@MidnightDBA

#Bacon Rehab Support Group
[Sean] DACPAC: The Full Fisted Deployment Solution
[Sean] Resource Governor: Keeps Your Backend Running Smooth
[Sean] SSIS: Your Mother Thought My Package Was Just Fine
[Sean] Why sysprep is the New Ass Gerbil
[Sean’s] How to Land that Job: Interview like a Pr0n Star!
A career development course by SQLTech2: Copy-Paste Your Way to Database Fame
Access for Beginners
Achieving 9% Uptime
Agile Development: Developing in Production
Anything by Sean, apparently 🙂
Becoming a Booth Babe, by @SQLRockstar (Ouch, ouch…kidding, Tom…)
BRING ME A SHRUBBERY! Monty Python in the Workplace
Deadlocked: Delving into the Troubled Minds of SQL Personalities
Dealing with DBA OCD: Stop Touching my Database, Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It Stop It
Default Blame Acceptor, and other #Lame DBA Jokes I’ve NEVER HEARD BEFORE
Headdesk Safety Seminar
Here, Let Me Google That For You
How to Make Your First Billion With a Webshow, by the MidnightDBAs #nonprofit
How to Read BOL, You Worthless Lump of Mud
I Like Big Bus and I Cannot Lie: Modern Motherboards
Interview Gauntlet: Making “Senior” DBAs Cry, presented by Sean McCown #ILoveHim
MERGE Replication, or “Baby-making 101”
MidnightDBA Charm School, with @MrDenny and @BuckWoody
RAID 5 Ultra Frisbee
Relational Integrity is For Schmucks: How to Prevent 90% of INSERT Errors
Restoring Databases Through FTP
Shut up, Jackass: DBA/Dev Relations
Simple Database Architecture Using VARCHAR(MAX)
SQL Profiler as a 24/7 Production Auditing Tool
The DBA Life: Avoiding Other Humans at All Costs
Weaponry Training for Inter-office RDBMS Wars
Women in Technology: We’re Not Taking any More S**t
You Look Fat in Those Pants: DBA Nutrition

@mikeSQL

Blogging 101: Save time by outsourcing your content development to @SQLTechToo
DBA Tools: Why the glaive is the single most important addition in years, by @peschkaj
Full Text Search in SQL Server: Ill just let the pros at Google handle it
HOWTO: Look like a DBA hero by saving on licensing fees : run prod on developer edition!
I miss SQL Mail
Named pipes: I’m a DBA,NOT a plumber, people!!
PASS transparency issue #2: Why did they decline a summit cage match b/t @peschkaj, @SQLRockstar & a circus bear?
Performance tuning best practices: Creating Indexes on every column: your key to success!
Professional development: How to be a smarta$$ on twitter by @SQLSoldier
Professional Development: Learn from @buckwoody and @SQLRockstar on appropriate workplace attire, or lack thereof
Save time and stop being annoyed with pesky access requests: how to give everyone SA
Security 101: allowing @SQL_Ferret to guard your datacenter (he wont chew through your cables!)
Who really cares about High Availability? Clustering, mirroring, log shipping and other time wasters
Why SQL University is a complete waste of time #sqlu

@MladenPrajdic

how NOLOCK elegantly solves your performance problems

@mrdenny

Advanced Microsoft Access programming for Enterprise Applications
Data Consistency is for the birds. How to design your database without foreign keys.
Designing your databases with CHAR for maximum space utilization.
Ending your career in 3 easy steps. Step 1 Bush Garden, Step 2 ok, just 1 step is needed.
Here’s why index rebuilding is worthless.
How to get your session approved even when they know that you cuss like a sailor.
How to steal data and deflect blame to your development team.
How to steal your first book publishing contract. Presented by @SQLTechToo et all.
Indexes are for sissies.
Manscaping, how to look your best on #sqlkilt day. (via @nodns)
Research takes to much time, just use Twitter’s #sqlhelp to do all your troubleshooting.
Saving capitol using RAID for backups.
The truth about DBCC REPAIR_ALLOW_DATA_LOSS and the fact that it doesn’t delete data.
Upgrading from SQL Server to Oracle for improved performance and uptime.
Using an ORM to really f*ck up your DBAs life.
Using XML to turn SQL Server into a NoSQL database.

@mvelic

Applying AD&D’s Random Encounter Tables to SQL Server Troubleshooting: Regain the Use of your D20s
Bucket Design: One Table, One Column, One Row
C4 in the Server Room – Military Grade DR Strategies
Case Study: Pushing One Man to His Limits through Hilarious Interviewing Techniques @MidnightDBA
Hardcore DB Design: Lessons learned from Fight Club
How to Make your Custom DB more like AdventureWorks
I.V. Basics: A Layman’s Guide to Mainlining Caffeine
Ignoring Automation for Job Security
Maintenance Plans: Dump your DBA and set SQL Server to Autopilot (for Success)
SQL Server 101: It IS just a Bunch of Excel Spreadsheets
Tattoos are the new Post-Its: @peschkaj’s Guide to NOT Losing the SA Password
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the PASS Summit (There and Back Again for $50 or Less) #ThatsTwoLiteraryReferences
They Just Don’t Understand!!!: Protecting the Data through Guerrilla Warfare
Undata: Planning for the Zombie Apocalypse

@NoelMcKinney

Be a DBA Hero with RAID 0
Is This A Mole On My Back? Etiquette, The Server Room, And You
Use It Or Lose It – The One Reason For Putting 999 Nonclustered Indexes On A Table

@normankelm

DAC, does anyone care?
Performance tuning success stories: the little Bobby Tables method.
Sorry, I only carry hundreds, I don’t have change: How to make you developers feel inferior.
SQL Injection, let you users do what they want.
SQL Quiz Bowl: @AndyLeonard and @Todd_McDermid vs @PaulRandal and @BrentO. Topic SSIS
The Sybase Files: the ugly truth about SQL Server.
The WHERE clause, an unnecessary evil in the SQL language.

@paulboal

The path to user satisfaction and efficiency: A database on every desktop

@PaulWhiteNZ

Why Steve Jones would make a great board member

@peschkaj

Bacon Grease as a Cheap Alternative to Deodorant
Blank Password Strategies for the Senile DBA
Bucket of Money: Oracle Tuning Techniques for SQL Server DBAs
Cheetah Blood Will Make the Server – Professor Farnsworth’s Guide to Performance Tuning
Disaster Recovery: Effective Resume Writing and Personal Camouflage Techniques
Ensuring You Get Your Data: A Practical Guide to Database Level Locking
Full Database Scans And You
NoPANTS: The Tom LaRock Career Plan
Replacing SQL Server with CSVs
SAN basics: Storing your pornography collection at work
The New Pornography Data Type and You
Why Yes, I Am On Drugs. Would You Like Some? – Interviewing Tips for DBAs
Your Finger Does Not Go There: A Guide to Networking for the DBA

@pmontgomery

Clustered Index Cluster F**K
Generating All Your Schema From An ORM
NoSQL: Screw The Schema
Set Based Sucks: You Have CURSOR For A Reason.

@programmersedge

Effectively Shrink Your Databases : Because Size DOES Matter!
NoSQL : Dump Your Data Architects!
Transparent Data Encryption: Because What Your Boss Doesn’t Know Can’t Get You Fired!
Using FILESTREAM: An MP3 Pirate’s Paradise!

@RMikeReigler

Creating a new db in SSMS: leave the default settings alone asshole, u think u know more than MS? F U
Cursors: Rocking out in T-SQL one row at a time
How to avoid blocking: Using with nolock on every query JIC
How to install and hide SQL instances from your DBA
If it works on your machine with a few rows of test data, it’s good to go
Job Security: How to make simple things complex & not tell anyone so nobody else knows what the hells going on
Using the kill command at the office, it’s not just for connections anymore

@SeanGallardy

Developer workshop: Don’t be normalized like everyone else
How to correctly install and configure Oracle on Windows

@simon_sabin

Developing mission critical applications using Access Presented by @BrentO
How design your database with one table using sparse columns and filtered indexes
How to index every column in your table the easy way
Prove your the best at SQL by writing everything with one query

@SoundSystemSDC

It runs itself: how your billion dollar a year company can save money by not hiring any DBAs

@speedracer

Check Out My Package: SSIS Version Control
Cooking #Bacon with an Over Clocked CPU and Other Server Room Survival Tricks
Data Quality is Like a Box of Condoms: You Never Know What You are Gonna Get
Down-Sizing Databases with Microsoft Access
Filling in Requirement Gaps With NULL
Heaps of Fun: How to Avoid Clustered Indexes
How to spell DBA’s or is that DBAs
Professional Development: How to Point the Finger
Quick and Easy Data Quality: Just Truncate It
Simple Techniques to Shrink Databases with Triggers
Simplifying Security using SA
SQLPASS Keynote: Real DBA’s Don’t Wear Pants…Presented by none other than @buckwoody
Thumb Drives: The Hot-Swappable Solid State Solution for Data Storage

@SQL_Padre

SA Passwords: who can remember them all, just leave the blank nobody uses them anyway!

@SqlAsylum

Cursors to increase your servers performance.

@SQLBob

Database time bombs: how to get the last laugh if leaving your job involuntarily
DBCC ILOVESHEEP and other super-secret undocumented commands
Defending the decision not to upgrade from SQL 7.0
DR with snapshots
Ignoring the first normal form: it’s just easier that way!
Migrating to Access
Saving big money with Developer Edition
Security CAN be entertaining – denying rights via rollback triggers
sp_«TableName» and other counter-intuitive naming conventions

@SQLChicken

Auto-close and other Ways to Get Yourself Punched in the Neck
Automation: Extending Coffee/Smoke/Poop Breaks One Script at a Time
Being a DBA is Easy, Being Stupid is Hard: CIO Survival Guide
Business Intelligence: Every Crackhouse Needs It #sqlpass
Certifications: How to Piss Away Cash When You Don’t Know Squat Yet
Clusters: Not just for STD’s Anymore!
DACPAC: Seriuosly WTF is This St?
Data Warehousing for Pimps: Getting the most ROI from yo Ladiez
Downtime: Not Always a Bad Thing – sponsored by Playboy
Foxpro: Seriously Guys, Quit Laughing At Us
Greed is Good, Auditing is Awful – Keynote by Gordon Gekko
I Hate You, You Hate Me Let’s Go Build a SQL DB
Idiocy: How to End Up as a Topic On @midnightDBA Webcast
Jello Wrestling Social session
Mirroring: When you’re too stupid to setup the Log Shipping
NHibernate: Because Fk the DBA’s, THATS WHY!
NOLOCK for YESFUN
Normalization: One Table is Good Enough
Policy-Based Management: Have Technology Tell Developers F**K You FOR You
Punching Yourself in the Junk: Auditing at its finest
Sobriety: Overrated Deployment Techniques
SQL Tuning Experts: Learning What a Friggin Bookmark Lookup Is
SSAS holes: Security Techniques #unfortunatechoiceofwords
Why Use SANS When External Hard Drives are Cheaper?

@SQLCraftsman

Clusters? Just Click-Next. .
Forcing set evaluation order with excessive Parentheses.
Fragmentation, Shmagmentation.
How to Publicly bash Microsoft and the SQL Development team.
Keeping fractional pennies and other wealth-generating tips.
Letting Go. Object Developers CAN write T-SQL (just not very well) .
Public acclaim through plagiarism.
Table Valued Functions for Application Scalability and Performance.
XML, Just like Comma-Separated without that messy structure.

@SQLDBA

Community engagement the @sqlpasspr way!
Indexes: Overrated and Overused!
The Walmart DBA: Random Rollbacks For Fun And Profit!
Who Needs Backups When You’ve Got RAID!

@sqljohn

Clustered Indexes, if you’re adding 1 column, add them all
Cursors: Why 6 levels deep should only be the beginning.
key-value tables, is there nothing they can’t do?
SSIS troubling you, DTS wrappers are your friend

@SQLMaster

TempDB – temporary database, saving space – drop it!
Transaction log size problems, delete it!

@sqlrnnr

Backup Plan is essential when the Execution Plan fails
Database Tuning – the Russian roulette method
everything done in SQL SHOULD be done in excel
How storing data in Notepad can Outperform SQL Server
How to integrate your MP3s into your Payments Table
How to put your audience to sleep
It’s ok to turn off the servers when you go on vacation
My Heaps My Heaps My lovely DB Heaps –
Top 10 ways to nap on the job
Why DB backups are optional
Why you should be truncating your sales tables regularly

@SQLRockstar

Blank SA Passwords and Other Security Shortcuts
Database Engine Tuning Advisor: Replacing Your DBA
Developers, Lye, and a Shovel: The Best Places To Bury Bodies
Heap, Heap, Hooray! Why Indexes Are Bad
How mongoDB Saves You Time and Money
Locks, Blocks, and Two Smokin’ Redheads
MS Access
Scalar Functions, Views, and Linked Servers: Scaling Techniques For Idiots
The CASTing Couch and Other DBA Job Hunting Techniques
The Expandables: How To Use Scalar Functions For All Your Conversions
Why Guids Taste So Good

@SQLRunr

Building Responsible Maintenance Plans with the Shrink Database Task
Career Management: How to Resign the Day Before a Major Upgrade.
SQL Server Load Balancing using Linked Servers
Why SELECT DISTINCT should be used in Every Query

@SQLScottGleason

Backingup your TEMPDB; Why it is SO important (This is my favorite interview question!)
MGT Session: Save money by sending the DBA job offshore to some who can’t communicate for $5 per hour

@SQLSoldier

#Bacon : It’s just for breakfast
Auto-shrink: How can it be wrong when it feels so right?
Boosting Performance: Sponsored by Pfizer
Failover clustering explained through interpretive dance
How to get your boss to pay for training so you can get a better job
How to Make Friends and Influence Others on the NomCom
Indian Leg Wrestling and other ways to engage your dev team
Obedience Training Your Developers
Power Pivot: Great!! Users can really f@#$ up your server now!!
SQL Server: Me Love You Long Time
The DBA & The Developer: a look at taboo relationships
Wet #SQLKilt Contest

@SQLStephenHorne

Backup Best Practices: Learning Proper Use of the “SELECT * INTO MyTable_backup FROM MyTable” Method
Learning To Trust Your Users: Granting Sysadmin to Everyone
Maximizing Query Performance: Avoiding Set-Based Operations and Learning To Use Cursors
The Future of All Business Data Applications: SA + ODBC + Access + Datasheet View
Tips and Tricks with XP_CMDSHELL

@sqlsvrman

How to SHRINKDB’s and tear off Angel’s wings at the same time
Max Performance, have an Index for every column in every table
Why you should just use the SA account

@SQLTechToo

Sexually Harassing Your Way Through the SQL Community

@SQLvariant

Let Google manage your PCI data, the easy way to credit card compliant data

@stuarta

Buying Bigger Hardware: The Easy Solution to Database Design
Coding With One Hand: Effective Multitasking
Firewall Free: Connecting Your Servers to the Internet
Making Friends and Influencing Decisions: Using Microsoft Word To Generate “Reports”
One Tuple To Rule Them All: XML is the new varchar()
The Nutcracker DBA: Holding Your Company’s Data in Your Hands
UNION ALL and Other T-SQL Commands That Sound “Dirty”
Using SharePoint for All Your Data Management Needs

@TheSmilingDBA

Generating C# Code With SSIS

@TheSQLGuru

Building Enterprise-Scale Apps Using Entity Attribute Value Pairs
Scalar UDFs for Improved SQL Server Performance
Using USB Drives to Maximize Transaction Log Throughput

@ThomasRushton

“pubs” and “model” databases are not what they seem, and other SQL Server disappointments.
Bible Study for the DBA: Proverbs 1:25-28, and other useful passages.
FKRelate – Counselling those in broken FK Relationships. Sponsors of .
Storage Management – maximise lifespan of storage by removing .BAK & .TRN files, and other tips.

@Tim_Mitchell

“I Was In the Pool!!” (File) Shrinkage for the DBA
Because It’s There: A Livemeeting Webcast from the couch in the men’s room at Bush Garden
Fun with VARCHAR(1)
High-performance Access replication (by @brento )
Microsoft Access: It’s SQL Server, now with portability!
Moving Down in your Career: How to go from DBA to the graveyard shift helpdesk in 90 days.

@tracyhhamlin